It’s never easy to see someone you care about being hurt. You might notice they seem distant, anxious, or afraid to speak openly. Maybe their partner constantly checks in on them, or they’ve started making excuses for controlling behavior. It can be heartbreaking to watch, and it’s normal to feel unsure about what to say or how to help. 

If you suspect a friend or loved one may be in an abusive relationship, your compassion and support can make a powerful difference. Here are some ways to offer help safely and thoughtfully.  

Important note: Every survivor and every relationship is different, and these suggestions might not be the best fit for your loved one. It’s important to recognize that survivors are the experts of their own lives, and any action or decision should be initiated by the survivor.

Believe them.

Listen without judgment and avoid blaming or questioning their choices. 

Let them know you care about them.  

Make sure they know you’re coming from a place of love and concern, and that you care about their safety.

Understand your role.

Recognize that you’re role is to support your friend – not rescue them. Although it’s painful to see your loved one being hurt, you must respect their pace, decision-making power, autonomy, and boundaries.

Approach them privately.

Talk to your friend in a one-on-one or small group setting. If possible, have the conversation in person rather than on the phone or over text so you can ensure the conversation is private and their partner can’t listen.  

Reassure them. 

Remind them that abuse is not their fault and that they deserve to be respected and feel safe.  

Suggest making a safety plan.  

A safety plan is a personalized guide designed to help an individual and their family stay safer while living in an abusive situation. 

Don’t talk negatively about their partner.  

Your friend might perceive this as judging their choices or attacking their character. Rather than talk badly about their partner, voice your concern about the behaviors you’ve noticed and your concern for their wellbeing. 

Suggest documenting the abuse.

Photos, journal entries, medical records, and other forms of documentation can help achieve positive legal outcomes if they choose to pursue legal action.

Help with practical needs.  

Offer to accompany them to get a protective order, meet with an attorney, move, or watch their children.

Help them identify mutual aid resources and allies.

Brainstorm with your friend who has resources they could share. Help identify ways to access food, healthcare, housing, childcare, and other needs.

Protect yourself.

Domestic violence presents dangers for survivors AND their loved ones. Practice safety measures when approaching your friend by meeting in public or safe places removed from their abuser. Share your location or plans with a trusted loved one while respecting the privacy of your friend experiencing abuse. 

Offer material support.

Depending on the situation, a survivor may be financially dependent on their abuser and need help accessing material needs. If you’re able, see what material needs your friend has that you can help with, such as providing meals, sharing a car, or letting them stay with you. 

Respect their pace and boundaries.

Survivors are the experts of their own lives, and your friend will make choices that are the best and safest for them. Don’t pressure them to leave or do things that they aren’t comfortable with, and respect their power and decision-making.

Continue to be there for them.

If they choose to stay in the relationship, keep checking in without pushing. It often takes time and multiple attempts to leave.  

Encourage them to ask for help from people or resources they feel safe with.  

Give them the number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE), or a local domestic violence organization like Mosaic (214-823-4434).  

If they are not comfortable calling an organization, encourage them to ask for help from resources they’re connected with, such as a religious community, neighbors, or family.